Written on November 28, 2017
Hope. It really is the best feeling ever. For the last three to four weeks, for whatever reason, I have just felt so hopeless. I hate it when I feel this way, because everything is working out, all businesses are doing great, each team is doing exactly what I want them to do…and yet I feel hopeless. Like everything is about to fall apart. And try as I may to coach myself, I can’t seem to pull myself out of it. But today, getting out of the pool for my swim workout, I felt SO hopeful. Not sure if it was the endorphins, or my thoughts while hitting the water for an hour, but I felt invincible. Like everything was going my way, like everything is suppose to go my way. I hate it when I don’t feel that. When I forget that “everything works for me.” Operating in a state where you feel like you can’t achieve anything, where everything is working against you, where nothing you do matters…that’s really the worst. Because it’s debilitating, and simply isn’t true.
You MUST chill the out, Don. Stop stressing. Life is too goddamn short. Smile, relax, and have fun. Enjoy the process. You aren’t supposed to have everything you want in a flash. It will take work. And lots of it. You have created something amazing, you are creating something amazing…Feel that. You are enough. What does Lawrence say? Don’t let your goals beat you up. Ugh, story of my life. Grand goals, and they drive me. But they kick my ass sometimes :/
Written the next morning.
OMG sleep is my friend. I fell asleep last night around 11 in the chair downstairs and then went up to bed around 12. Woke up this morning at 8 and felt refreshed and rejuvenated. I have been waking up at 6 in the morning for the past few weeks….And for the past few weeks I have been a hopeless prick. Anxious, scared, dreading work and life…. Going to start making sure I get 7-8 hours and see how my days go. I’m guessing…Better.
Thinking back on yesterday, I really was a wreck. And I have been for about 3 weeks. And I looked back over my morning pages journal, it’s obvious to me that my downward spiral corresponds with waking up at 6am. I’ve always known I need good sleep. If I ever had two days in a row of not enough sleep, the world feels like it’s falling on top of me, small decisions seem insurmountable…it’s pretty ugly. I was ready to move to the Philippines yesterday when I received a $350 bill for the HVAC system…that should have been a clear sign that something was wrong in my insides 🙂